I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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