Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize