be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize