I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
