I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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