We need to start having sex underwater more often.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
