Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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