how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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