did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
