I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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