You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
