i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
