Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
