We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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