good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
