I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
