hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
we're so committed to being not committed
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
