nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
