feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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