I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
did i walk over a car last night?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
