shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
