I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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