Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
