Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Farmville is her only friend.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
