we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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