my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize