So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
