i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
