our cab driver is having phone sex.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Boobs are out for the taking
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
