she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
