I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Four minutes until I can fart!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
