Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
