apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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