I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize