The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
