Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
