YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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