i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
