what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
