He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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