chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
