Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
