the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
