someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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