My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
