he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
