he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
