He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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