I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
