I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
