You kept calling me your small dog last night.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
