Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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