so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
