Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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