My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
