too bad you live with your parents still
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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