my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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