My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Come on in and take your pants off
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