I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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