Who wears a wallet chain?!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How does it feel to date your dad?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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