pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
