How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize