I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
