could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
