I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
