just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
and you fell through a lawn chair
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
